Struggling with your mental health is hard. I would venture to say that it’s also incredibly hard to watch someone you care about struggling and to not know what to do to help. Everyone’s journey is different but sometimes you just need to meet people where they are at. It is important to realize that when someone is in the depths of their struggle, they probably don’t know what they need. They are in survival mode and often times they are just trying to exist. Based on my experience, below are some tips that may be helpful to you.
1. Just listen and don’t offer advice unless they ask for it. One of the most helpful things you can do for someone is just listen. Sometimes they just need to empty their brain, they aren’t necessarily asking for advice. Knowing that you are available and willing to be there for them is often enough.
2. Invite them into the mundane. What are you doing that day that you could invite them to participate in? Are you cleaning your house? Invite them to come sit on your couch and talk to you while you clean. Are you taking a walk? Offer to pick them up so that they can walk with you. Are you hanging out on your deck? Invite them to come sit in the fresh air with you. Even if they aren’t up to it that day, it goes a long way to know that someone cares enough to invite you into their everyday life.
3. If you don’t know what to say, do not say anything at all. If the silence is awkward for you, it’s equally as awkward for them. You don’t have come up with something to say to break the silence. Just sit with them in the silence. Maybe offer a smile and continue about your day. If the situation warrants conversation maybe bring up one of their hobbies or ask them what seasonal activities they are excited about in that season.
4. Respect their personal space and try not to take them off guard. There are a multitude of reasons someone could be struggling with their mental health and physical touch could very much be a trigger for them. Before going in for the hug or placing your hand on their shoulder ask them if it’s okay. Try not to put yourself in a position that will catch them off guard. Announce yourself before you enter their bubble.
5. Don’t ask what they need. I know that sounds counterintuitive but hear me out. When someone is deep within their struggle, they know they need something but they aren’t quite sure what it is. They know they need help but they don’t know how to communicate their needs. It can be overwhelming and anxiety producing when they are put on the spot. If you want to help them some suggestions to navigate this would be:
“Hey, I am dropping off dinner later, I will put it by your door and text you to let you know it’s there”
“ Hey, I want to get you some groceries but I’m not really sure what would be helpful. I venmoed you some money for you to place a grocery delivery order when you’re feeling up to it”
“Hey, I got you these disposable plates and cutlery to help make things easier on you”
6. Give them reassurance that they aren’t a burden and that you aren’t going anywhere. Anxiety is a wild thing and depression lies, the combination of both is a force to be reckoned with. It’s so common for someone to feel like a burden and to be scared that good people are going to leave them. If they ask you 27 times in a week if they are a burden, be very patient and assure them 30 times that they are not a burden and that you are here to stay.
7. Don’t try to get them to say they are ok before they are. We so often just want to hear that people are okay and are doing better. We watch them walk through their struggle and we come up with a point in time that we think they should be ok. Interactions like this are not helpful:
“Good morning how are you”?
“I’m taking it one day at a time, I’m still struggling”
“Oh, well you’re better right? We are just going to pretend that you are doing good”
“Ok, we’ll have a good day”
Sometimes silence is golden.
8. Avoid commenting on their coping mechanisms. There are a lot of healthy coping mechanisms that help people get through stressful days or situations. Some of these may look like: playing with a pop it, squeezing a stress ball, excusing themselves to go take some deep breaths, using a spinner ring to stay focused, using a fan to blow air on their face or holding an ice pack. I think it is best in these situations just to let them do their thing. Questions don’t really need to be asked.
9. Keep showing up. It’s really hard to be social or even to communicate during the dark seasons. Keep inviting them, texting them, sending them encouragement and praying for them. You reaching out could literally be the thing that helps them get through that day.
It takes special people to love those who struggle with their mental health. The fact that you’ve read this far means that you care. Be patient, extend grace and love them where they are at.
Hope Over Hurt 